From Eds to Riches
by ZephyrSamba
Summary: The final chapter's now in! Okay, so Eddy's scam ideas haven't exactly made him rich -- yet! That's no reason he can't -act- like a millionaire, is it? After all, Ed's always wanted a, er, mutant duck...
1. It Could Happen to You

Ed and Edd sat on the front porch step, deep in thought.  Eddy paced back and forth in front of them.  "No, no, no!  We've tried all that before, and none of it's worked!  Now come on – we've gotta think of something good this time!"

"Hmm…"  Edd shrugged.  "Well, Rolf still has difficulty with his English – perhaps we could set up a school for the conversationally awkward?"

"Yeah, right – you and he'd be the only ones attending – and you don't have any money!"  Eddy rolled his eyes.  "You're not even trying!"

Ed looked up from where he'd been poking his leg with a stick.  He waved the stick in the air.  "Ooh, ooh, pick me!"

"What is it this time, Ed?"

"We could get a tube of toothpaste…"

"Yeah?"  Eddy looked excited.

"…and a jar of grape jelly…"

"Uh-huh…"  Eddy's excitement abated somewhat.

"…and a gallon of milk…"

Eddy banged his head against the side of the house.  Edd put a hand on Ed's shoulder.  "Now Ed, what did we discuss about the lack of relevance of your mother's shopping list to our present dearth of ideas?"

Ed held the list up proudly.  "It's got cheese on it, too!"  He chewed at a corner.  "Mmm, cheddary!"

"Um, that's…nice…Ed, but it still doesn't help us…"  Edd tugged the list out of Ed's mouth and wrung it out, then placed it in a plastic baggie and stuck it in his pocket.  "Why don't I just hold on to that for the time being?"

"It goes great with marshmallows if you get hungry, Double-D!"

"All right, all right, enough with the stupid shopping list!  We're getting nowhere!"  Eddy shoved Ed off the porch step and sat down in his place.  "Hmm…"  He snapped his fingers.  "I know!  We could order a whole BUNCH of newspapers, and deliver them for the cash!"

"Think back, Eddy – we did that already!  And I'll have you know, I nearly lost my paper route thanks to your and Ed's shenanigans!  I refuse to condone – "

"Okay, fine!"  Eddy scratched his head in thought.  "Well, what if we gave people the chance to be their favorite household pets for a while?"

"Oh, you mean like 'Gerbil for a Day'?  Don't you remember – Ed on a giant exercise wheel?"  Edd looked skyward and shook his head.  "I still don't understand quite what that was meant to accomplish, but I think I can confidently say that a second iteration of that endeavor would be about as successful as was the first."

"…"  Eddy blinked at Edd.

"We…did…that…before…it…won't…work."

"Well, why didn't you just say so?  Maybe that school for conversational dolts wouldn't be such a bad idea, after all …"

"I resent that, Eddy – just because my vocabulary is a bit more highly developed than is the norm, that's no reason to insinuate that I'm unintelligible to the average person."

Eddy stared blankly.  Ed asked, "Who's Norm?"

"*sigh*  Never mind…"

"Hey, look!"  Ed pointed to the truck trundling down the street.  "It's the mailman!  Is his name Norm?"  He laughed.  "I bet he can help us.  Neither rain nor snow nor mutant knee-biting hornets can stop Norm, the amazing mailman!"

"He's a civil servant, Ed, not a superhero."  Edd stood up as the mailman pulled away from his house.  "But regardless, I suppose I could at least go see what he's dropped off today – oof!"

Eddy had climbed over Edd and was running for the mailbox.  "Here, let me get that for ya!"  He pulled the mail out of the box and started rummaging through it.  "Let's see what kind of mail little Edward and his parents get!"

"Eddy!  I'll have you know, the interception of another person's mail is a federal offence!  You unhand my family's missives right this minute!"

"Don't get your sock in a knot, I just wanna see…Bills, bills, bills – bor-ing!"  Eddy tossed aside the uninteresting mail.  "Oh, gee, what a surprise, 'Industrial Cleaning Weekly'."  He examined the cover of the magazine, which featured an array of dish soaps and the tagline, 'Summer Dish Soap Rating Spectacular!'  "Please tell me you don't actually read this thing…"

Edd made a grab for his mail, but Eddy snatched it out of reach.  "It happens to be very informative, Eddy!  You know how messy the repercussions of our failed adventures tend to be!"

"You're gonna make some psychiatrist rich someday, Sock-head…hmm…"  Flip, flip, flip.  "What's this?  'Sticky Note of the Month Club'?"  Eddy ripped the top off an envelope and shook out the contents.  "Ooooh, blue triangle sticky notes – boy Double-D, you're as wild as toast!"

"Buttered toast?"  Ed grabbed one of the sticky notes out of Eddy's hand with his teeth.  Chomping it down, he looked disappointed.  "Aw, it's just paper flavored."

"That belongs to my parents, Eddy!  And they won't be pleased that it's been opened – and salivated upon – please put those back!"

"All right, all right – you're just lucky I can't think of any sticky note scams."  Eddy shoved the little triangles back into their envelope.  "Hey, what's this?"  He examined a larger package.  "'Fungus-Free Nails in 3 Weeks'?"

Edd snatched the package out of his hands and clutched it protectively.  "That, uh, must've been a mistake…heh heh…"

Eddy snickered.  "Double-D, your fingernails are _supposed_ to be yellow like that.  It's just the way you're drawn!"  He held up his hands.  "See?  Mine are the same way – so are Ed's!"

"It's as natural as talking monkeys!"  Ed waved his fingers in the air.

"That's hardly reassuring…though I do appreciate the effort."  Edd stuck the package in his pocket for later.  "Nevertheless, there's no harm in striving for a little personal improvement!"

"Whatever."  Eddy rifled through the remaining mail.  "Bills, junk catalogues, more stupid magazines – this is as exciting as Sunday afternoon TV.  You really – hey, what's this?"  He held up a gold envelope.

"Why, it appears to be a sweepstakes notice, Eddy…"

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it?"  Eddy's eyes went wide as he read the words printed on the side of the envelope.  "Double-D!  You've won a million dollars!"  Throwing all the other mail in the air, Eddy swept Ed and Edd up in a hug and did a little victory dance.  "A _million_ dollars!!  Our money problems are a thing of the past, boys!  We can buy the whole jawbreaker factory just for starters – and fire Kevin's dad while we're at it!  Double-D, I could hug you!"

"Uh, you already are, Eddy…"  Edd plucked the notice out of Eddy's hands and examined it.  "And as much as I appreciate this outpouring of emotion, I'm afraid your exuberance is premature.  If you look closely, you'll see that the fine print reads that I only _may_ win a million dollars, if my name is chosen from among the 4.5 million entries they expect to receive."

Eddy abruptly dropped his friends.  "Oh, uh, well, I'm sure that's just a formality.  Send it in, Double-D!  Your chances are winning must be like…um…"  He scratched his head and did a quick count on his fingers.  "Well, they're pretty good!"

"At 1 to 4,999,999 odds against, Eddy, we stand a greater chance of striking it rich by…by putting on a sham telethon to raise money for Ed's eyebrow operation!"

Eddy's eyes lit up and he opened his mouth to speak.

Edd slapped a hand to his forehead.  "We already TRIED that, Eddy!"

Eddy closed his mouth and looked disappointed.

"Aww, that's too bad, guys!  It'd be fun to be a millionaire."  Ed flung invisible dollars at an imaginary throng of admirers.  "Swimming pools, movie stars!"

Eddy raised an eyebrow.  "You know, it _would_ be fun to be a millionaire…or at least act like one…"  He rubbed his hands together.  "And my brother always said you gotta spend money to make money!"

"We don't have any money to spend, Eddy…"

"Don't bother me with details, Sock-head!  There's gotta be a way to make some cash off of this – or at the very least, it'll be good practice for when we finally _do_ hit it big!"

"Can I have solid gold underwear, Eddy?"  

"Why not, Big Guy?"  Eddy began running towards the garage.  "Come on, boys, it's time to find out how the other half lives!"

"The other half lives in Double-D's garage?"  Ed ran after Eddy.

Edd carefully picked up the scattered mail and brushed it off.  "Well, at least it's not another fix-it service, I suppose…"  Arranging the mail in a neat pile on the doorstep, he hurried to catch up with his friends.


	2. Lifestyles of the Rich and Fameless

"Ahhh, now _this_ is the life!"  Eddy leaned back on a gold painted lounge chair.  "Hey, Ed, could you go a little faster with the fan?  I'm burning up here!"

"Sure thing, Eddy!  Nod my head, nod my head, nod my head!"  Ed bobbed up and down, a paper palm frond tied to his head.  "I am a good fan, huh Eddy?"

"You're the best, Ed!  Or at least, you're better than the cabana boy…"  Eddy lowered his rhinestone-covered sunglasses so he could glare over the top of the frames.  "Hey Sock-head, what's the big hold-up?"

Edd stalked out the back door wearing a violently festive Hawaiian shirt and carrying a glass of lemonade festooned with little paper umbrellas, pineapple chunks on plastic swords, and a twisty straw.  "I thought the idea was for us _all_ to be millionaires, Eddy…"  He thunked the lemonade down on the table next to Eddy's chair.

"And just who would pamper us then, Don Hopeless?  Relax, you'll get your turn!"  Eddy hid his mouth in his drink and snickered.  "Right after Ed grows a brain…"  More loudly, he complained, "And why are you just standing there?  I'm at my tropical island getaway, I wanna hear some tropical island music!"  He snapped his fingers imperiously towards the pedal steel guitar waiting off to the side of the patio.

Edd crossed his arms.  "Not a chance, Eddy!  It's bad enough you have Ed and me toiling away in this self-indulgent cesspool of hedonistic delusions, but I refuse to subject myself to that insipid instrument solely for your amusement!"  He suddenly ducked as a wadded-up paper palm frond sailed above his head.  "Um, Ed?  That's a musical instrument, not a crossbow, please don't do that."

"Yo-ho-ho, I am Robin Hood!  Hand over your fruitcake, evil sheriff!"  Ed fired a charcoal briquette through the air with a tinny 'sproing'.

"Ed, you're bending the pedal rods!  It's going to take me forever to repair the damage you're – NO, WAIT, DON'T ED!"  Edd tried to reach Ed before he could launch the charcoal grill, but it was too late.  The last thing he saw before everything went black was the grill coming straight at his head.

Eddy grumbled as he looked over at the now-unconscious Edd.  "Good one, Monobrow, who's gonna entertain me now?"

"Oops, sorry, Eddy."  Ed brightened.  "I know!  I will sing you a song!"  Ed pulled a pineapple-skewered plastic sword from Eddy's lemonade and held it up to his mouth like a microphone.  He put on his most suave smile.  "I know all the words to 'Copacabana'!"

Eddy made a face.  "I think I can live without that, Ed – uh, never mind the entertainment…"  He sat up.  "Anyway, I'm bored of the resort thing now – let's think of something else rich people do…Uh, Ed?"

Ed had wandered over to stand next to Edd, and was now staring down at him with envy.  "Cool stars, Double-D, can I have one?"  He plucked one of the stars circling Edd's head and put it into orbit around his own.  He laughed with delight as he watched it go around.  One by one, he took the other stars and added them to the first.  "Eddy, look at me!  I am a galaxy!  The Space Chicken Galaxy has come to – " as he put the last star in place around his head, he collapsed to the ground with a 'thwump'.

Edd stood up, his own aches and pains suddenly gone.  "That was…interesting…"

Eddy came over to join him.  He stared at Ed.  "Well, he's original, I'll give him that…"  He shrugged dismissively, then grinned at Edd.  "And his timing was great – I'm ready to move on from the resort scene and I need you to make me a limo!"

"A limousine?  But Eddy, you're not old enough to drive!"

"Yeah, right – I'm not gonna drive it, Sock-head – I'm the millionaire, remember?"  He poked Edd in the chest.  "But I'm sure YOU'D make a great sho– …um, showfff– …driver!"

"A _chauffeur_, Eddy?  You want me to waste a beautiful summer afternoon driving you around in a ludicrously ostentatious conveyance that you also expect me to build – no doubt without any help on your part whatsoever?"

Eddy patted him on the back.  "I'm so glad we understand each other."  He shoved him in the direction of the garage.  "Now get going, will ya, we don't have all day!  One limo, extra snazzy!"

"A limo!"  Ed sat up, the stars finally clearing from his head.  He bounced up and down.  "Oh boy oh boy!  I have always wanted a limo – they are so soft and cuddly, and they can spit really far!"

Edd considered this.  "Um, I believe you mean 'llama,' Ed…"

Ed nodded.  "That's what I said, Double-D!  A limo!"  He started carrying Edd to the garage.  "Hurry, I want to make a limo-hair sweater!"

"Oh, no, this has gone on quite long enough!"  Edd squirmed out of Ed's grasp and dropped to the ground.  "It's time for Eddy put to rest these egotistical pipe dreams before…"  Turning back around, he saw that Eddy had reloaded the guitar/crossbow with the patio table and now stood, grinning maliciously, with the device aimed straight at him.  Edd put his hands on his hips.  "Violence, Eddy?  _This_ is what you've been reduced to?"

"Yep."  Eddy pulled the table back farther.  "Now what's it gonna be, Double-D – you gonna build me a limo, or would you rather put on another daytime astronomy show for Ed?"

"A cute and fuzzy limo, _and _more stars?"  Ed gasped in excitement.  "I can hardly contain my toenails!"

Edd refused to be derailed.  "You do realize that if you hit me with that table I'll be incapacitated – unable help you with anything?"

Eddy paused.  He glanced at Ed, weighing the likelihood that he'd be able to put together something that wouldn't burst into flames or reek of gravy.  Scowling, he accepted the inevitable and slowly disarmed the pedal steel guitar.  "Fine!  _Don't _build me a limo!"  

Ed sniffled.  "But I love limos, guys!"

"Sorry, Big Guy, looks like the Selfish-Minded Professor here doesn't want to be a team player."  He glared at Edd.  Suddenly, a light bulb illuminated within his mind.  "I mean – "  He flashed a smarmy smile.  "I'm sorry, Double-D, that was pretty dumb of me!  I wish I could be a genius like you…"

Edd cast a sidelong glance at Eddy.  "Oh, so now I'm a genius, am I?"

"Of course you are!"  He walked over and slung an arm around Edd's shoulders.  "Like I've always said – where would me and Ed be without the brains of this outfit?"  Behind Edd's back, he gestured for Ed to come play along.

"Up a creek without a porcupine, Eddy!"  Joining in on the fun, Ed came up and threw an arm around Edd's shoulders from the other side.

"Right you are, Lumpy!"  Eddy noted with satisfaction the reluctant smile tugging at Edd's mouth and the gradual uncrossing of his arms.  "I'm sorry I never help you build all that stuff, Double-D, but I'm just not as smart as you are!  No way could I be as good at all that inventing!"  He looked away and rolled his eyes.

"Why, Eddy, you demean yourself unjustly!  I'm sure that with a little effort and some concentrated study time, you would be just as adept at engineering – "

"Uh-huh, yeah, sure."  Eddy started walking, propelling Edd in the direction of the garage.  "But with you, it just comes so naturally!  I mean, if I wanted to build, oh, say, a limo out of things I found around my house, I'd probably start with a big cardboard box…maybe a few roller skate wheels…the motor from an electric toothbrush…"

Edd was in his element now.  "But Eddy, think!  How could an electric toothbrush provide enough power to propel the weight of both the limo chassis and us?"  He pulled his notebook and a pen out of his pocket and hastily drew up a few diagrams.  "Now look, the amount of force required to move any given object is equal to the mass of that object times the rate of its acceleration…and if we assume the mass of the limo plus passengers to be…hmm…"  He jotted down a series of calculations.  Nodding to himself, he held up his notebook.  "See?  It just won't work.  Now, if we were to use something more substantial…"

Grabbing Ed by the back of the coat to halt his progress, Eddy came to a stop and watched smugly as Edd continued on into the garage, picking up and discarding objects while still yapping on about the physics of limo-building.

Ed laughed.  "That was a good one, Eddy!"

"All you've gotta know is which buttons to push."  Settling back into his lounge chair, he added, "Now, how about another lemonade?  What's a millionaire gotta do to get some service around here, anyway?"

"All you need is loafers, Eddy!"  Ed ran off to fetch the lemonade pitcher, his mind still on 'limos'.  "I think I'll call him Sparky!"

Eddy stretched back, enjoying the warm sun as he awaited his drink.  He drifted off in daydream.  "'President Eddy' – no, wait, 'All-Supreme World Commander Eddy'…yeah…now _that'll_ be the life…"


	3. How to Win Friends and Influence Suckers

"Go Rolf, go!"  Kevin cheered as Rolf completed his 98th bench press of a rather bewildered pig.  The other kids of the cul-de-sac kids looked on appreciatively.

"Rolf sure is strong, huh Plank?"  Jonny lifted Plank over his head in imitation of Rolf's feat.  "Unnngh…"  His arms shook and he quickly dropped him back down.  "Boy, Plank, you've been putting on weight!  No more banana lacqueris for you, mister!" 

Rolf strained against the weight of his pig for a 99th press.  "Do not throw in the dressing gown now, Wilfred!  Once more and Rolf will have broken the all-time record for freestyle pork presses!"  He gathered his strength for a final go.

"Look, Jimmy, he's doing it!"  Sarah clenched her hands together.

"I think he's gonna make it!"  Jimmy gave a little hop of excitement.  "Ooh, my tummy is all a-flutter, Sarah!"

"The oyster-studded Boot of Accomplishment is nearly Rolf's!"  Rolf slowly began to hoist Wilfred one last time.  Just as he was about to complete the lift, a horn blew, sounding like a flock of fifty-pound geese caught in a trash compactor.  Wilfred's ears perked up and he squealed in panic.  "Wilfred, no!"  As the pig struggled violently to get away, Rolf lost his grip and dropped him onto his head.  Wilfred scrabbled frantically at Rolf's face before finally getting his feet under him and running off towards home.

Rolf lay on the ground, dazed and disappointed.  "Yet again Rolf eats from the bitter crabapples of failure!"  He sat up and hung his head.  "You may all point and laugh at Rolf now, as his pride is lower than the warts on Papa's toes!"

"Cheer up, Rolf, you did – AAIEE!"  Nazz leapt straight into the air as the horn sounded a second time.

A black plywood vehicle lumbered into their midst.  Through a back window that appeared to be made of plastic wrap darkened with a magic marker, Eddy could be seen, wearing a white suit and top hat.

"Gee, what a surprise, the dorks were the ones making all that racket."  Kevin cracked his knuckles.  "This ought to be fun…"

From within the limo, Edd activated a makeshift walkie-talkie.  "Ed, you can stop now, we're here.  Over."

"Whoa, Sparky!  Whoa!!"  Strapped down under the car's hood, Ed stopped pedaling and pulled back on the brake.  The limo slowly rolled to a halt.

Edd turned around in his seat and pushed down the panel that separated him from the passenger compartment.  "Eddy, we're here."

"So what's the big holdup?"  Eddy gestured impatiently towards his door.  "Get off your can and come let me out!"

Muttering to himself, Edd got out of the car.  Before he could make it back to Eddy's door, however, the kids of the cul-de-sac surrounded him.  Rolf stormed up.

"Oh, why, hello, Rolf…"  Shrinking back, Edd glanced towards the driver's door, but Sarah blocked the way.  "A-and how are you on this fine summer afternoon?"

Much to Edd's relief, Rolf relaxed visibly and actually smiled.  "Hello, Double-D Ed-boy.  Rolf is quite well, thank you."  As Edd was about to reply, Rolf's angry demeanor returned and he leaned in to tower over him.  "Well for a barnacle-ridden, sad-sacked squid, that is!"  Grabbing the black chauffeur's hat that Edd was wearing over his regular one, Rolf smashed it down until it broke over Edd's head and hung around his neck.  "You Black-Sheep Ed-boys have once again cursed Rolf with the Gloating Goose of Shamefulness!"

Edd was trying to stammer out an apology when Sarah and Kevin came up on either side.  "This dork is toast," Kevin growled, and all three leapt on him before he could escape.

At that moment, Eddy crossly pushed open his door.  "You'd think I was a mile back, slacker, what's taking so – "  He surveyed the scene.  Edd was looking at him pleadingly from where Kevin had him in a headlock, Rolf was twisting his legs, and Sarah was administering Indian burns to his arms.  "Hey!  Stop roughing up my driver!"

"Okay."  Kevin dropped Edd and grinned.  "You want a turn?"  As one, he, Sarah, and Rolf advanced on Eddy.

Eddy stood his ground.  "Wait just one minute!  You wouldn't hit a millionaire, would you?"

"A millionaire?"  Kevin snorted.  "Yeah, right, dork.  You're not getting out of this that easily."

"I ain't surprised you don't believe me, Kev – you've probably never seen a real-live rich person before."  Eddy smirked.  "But feast your eyes on these snazzy duds!  And check out the jewelry!"  He waved his fingers, each of which was encircled by a ring made of wire and metallic wrapping paper.  "You think I got these in a bubble gum machine?"

"Wow, Sarah, he's so flashy!"  Jimmy eyed the rings appreciatively.

"Gee, maybe he really _did_ strike it rich…"

"Of course I did, Sarah!  I mean, just look!"  He gestured towards Edd, who was on the ground trying to bend his limbs back into their original positions, and Ed, who had popped out of the car hood and now stood nibbling at the end of his tie.  "These guys are on my payroll now!  Millionaires gotta have their own chauffeurs and personal bodyguards, you know!"

Kevin crossed his arms.  "And just HOW did you supposedly earn your millions?"

"I'm glad you asked, Kevin!"  Eddy pulled out the sweepstakes envelope, upon which he'd scratched out Edd's name and printed his own.  "It just so happens that _I_ was chosen as the lucky winner of the Editor's Cleaning House Sweepstakes!"  He flashed it in front of the crowd, and then stuffed it back up his sleeve before anyone could look too closely.

"What's that, Plank?"  Jonny held Plank up to his ear.  "Plank says you lie like a cheap rug, Eddy!  He says nobody EVER wins those things!"

"Well, _I_ did, Plank," Eddy grated.  "But fine – you guys don't wanna believe me – that's no skin off my nose."  He shrugged.  "I guess you won't be wanting the presents I got you, then."

"Presents?"  Jimmy and Sarah scooted up to stand eagerly in front of Eddy.

"Presents?"  Edd came over, eyeing Eddy dubiously.  "Where did you get these so-called presents from, Eddy?  We never – "

"Shouldn't you be washing my limo or something?  You're still on the clock!"  Eddy hurled Edd into the limo's 'engine' compartment, then slammed down the hood.  Facing his audience again, he shook his head.  "I'll tell ya, it's so hard to find good help these days.  But yeah – I thought I'd share the wealth a little, 'cos I'm just that kind of guy!"  He smiled magnanimously.  "Hey, Security – come on over with those presents, will ya?"

Ed trotted over with a large briefcase.  He opened it with a flourish.  "Show them what they've won, Lumpy!"

The atmosphere around Eddy changed from one of suspicious hostility to suspicious excitement as the kids gathered around the briefcase.  Glittering within were a multitude of gaudily bejeweled gold and silver objects.

"Cool, Eddy!"  Nazz admired a silvery item.  "But what is it?  It looks kind of like a fancy magnifying glass…"

Eddy cast a worried glance over his shoulder.  "Uh, no, Nazz – it's a state-of-the-art travel microwave!  Watch!"  Reaching into Ed's pocket, he pulled out a half-eaten muffin.  Holding the 'travel microwave' up to the sun, he aimed the concentrated beam of light at the muffin.  Within seconds it had burst into flames.  "Uh, you gotta be careful with it, it's super high-powered!"

"Hey Eddy, what's this?"  Jonny scratched his head as he examined a gold bunny slipper.

"What, don't you recognize a top-of-the-line board cozy when you see one, Jonny?"

Jonny and Plank exchanged looks.  "A board cozy?"

"Sure!  Guaranteed to keep Plank nice and warm on the coldest of nights!"  He grabbed the slipper and slid it over Plank's 'head'.  "It even comes with a backup in case the first one gets worn out!  I got it special, just for him!"

"Gee, thanks Eddy, you're the greatest!"

"Don't I know it, Jonny-boy!"

"Sarah, look!"  Jimmy gazed in awe at a glittering cactus.  "I've never seen one of these before!"

"Hmm…"  Sarah eyed the cactus critically.  "Why's this thing covered in broken glass, Eddy?"

"I did that one myself!"  Ed jumped in front of Eddy before he could answer.  "It's not broken glass, Sarah, it is diamonds!"  He proudly picked up the cactus and made it bow towards Sarah and Jimmy.  "Say hello to Diamond Jim!"

"'Diamond Jim'?"  Edd had finally managed to pry open the hood and was making his way back towards the crowd.  "Eddy, what's going – WHAT DID YOU DO TO JIM?!?"  He looked around frantically.  "And – my slippers!  And – my magnifying glass!  And – my EVERYTHING!!!"  In a frenzy, he swept all of his possessions back into the briefcase and slammed the lid shut.  As he prepared to give Eddy a piece of his mind, Kevin interrupted.

"Just what do you think you're doing with our presents, Double-Dork?"

Edd hugged the briefcase to his chest.  "They're _not_ yours, Kevin, they're – "

Eddy clapped a hand over Edd's mouth and grinned nervously.  "Heh-heh…what he means is, they're not yours – yet.  I just…uh…just wanted to show them to you, so you'd believe me…you'll get them…"  The wheels in his head were turning furiously.  Suddenly his confident smile returned.  "You'll get them at the party I'm throwing tonight!  In celebration of my new millionaire status!"

"A party?  Cool!  I've got a new dress that I've just been dying to wear."  Nazz primped her hair.

"Oh boy, Sarah, parties are so much fun!"

"They sure are, Jimmy!  Come on, let's go get ready!"  Sarah and Jimmy started to head off towards Sarah's house.

"Not so fast, I'm not done yet!"  Eddy blocked their way.  "Uh, what I meant was – my butler and maid will be setting up the party," he rushed on before Edd could say anything, "but with such short notice they won't possibly be able to get everything ready themselves.  So if you all could be in charge of bringing the…" he concentrated on not drooling as he spoke, "_jawbreakers_…"

"Oho, so the cow does not change its udders after all!"  Rolf tapped Eddy on top of his head.  "All that is sought after is the typical candy-coated spoils of trickery!  Rolf will bring you NO jawbreakers, Snake-in-the-Boots Ed-boy!"

"Okay, Rolf, if you don't wanna come to the party, I understand"  He turned away, then spoke over his shoulder, "That's too bad, though, I had a really neat livestock polisher for you…But if it's asking too much that you help out with things just a little bit…"

"A livestock polisher?"

"Yup.  Electric, too – so powerful, you could've seen your face in Victor's butt..."

Rolf looked back and forth from the briefcase to Eddy.  His eyes watered.  "All right!!" he finally shouted.  "Rolf will bring you the tooth-rotting decadence you require!  Do not start the party without him!"  He ran off in the direction of the candy store.

"Better hurry, guys, you don't want Rolf buying the last one, do you?"  Eddy smirked as the rest of the kids chased off after Rolf, and then he turned to face Ed and Edd.  "I'll tell you, boys, it isn't easy being this clever.  Sometimes I amaze even mysel – "  Noting the scowl on Edd's face, he raised an eyebrow.  "What's your problem, Sock-head?  Mad you didn't think of this first?"

"What's my problem?"  Edd repeated incredulously.  "First I get railroaded into playing the part of your chauffeur, then you nearly get me dismembered by Rolf, Kevin, and Sarah, and to top it off, I discover you giving away my own private possessions after first callously appropriating and modifying them without my permission!"  He waved his hands in the air.  "And as if that weren't enough, now you no doubt want me to assist with – nay, shoulder the entire burden of – the preparations for some preposterous sham of a party so you can trade MY personal property for a few five-cent jawbreakers – and you have the astounding GALL to ask me what my 'problem' is??"

Throughout Edd's outburst, Ed had stood to the side looking back and forth between his friends.  Now he ran over to Edd, arms wide.  "Aww, somebody needs a hug!"  Before Edd could protest, he swept him up in a crushing bear hug.  "There, there, it will be all right!"

Eddy snickered as Edd struggled frantically to loosen Ed's grip enough to take a breath.  "That's real nice, Ed.  But if you're done with your little love-in, can we get going?  We've got a lot of work ahead of us – and you two boys need to decide who wants to be the maid, and who wants to be the butler!"

Ed dropped Edd to the ground and danced around Eddy.  "Ooh, can I be the butler?  Can I?  Please, Eddy, oh please!"  He hugged himself with excitement.  "I have always wanted an English accent, just like the singing robot nanny in 'Mary Poppins 2021'!"

"Sure, Ed, just don't slobber on the furniture."  Eddy slapped Edd on the back.  "Looks like you get to be the maid, Double-D!"  

Edd stared, speechless.  He looked from Ed, who was cheerfully waving his hand in imitation of Queen Elizabeth, to Eddy, who smiled back confidently and expectantly.  On the verge of total meltdown, Edd suddenly slouched forward in defeat.  "There's really no point in arguing this, is there?"

"None at all."  Eddy grinned.

Edd closed his eyes.  "Very well, let's get this over with."

"Now you're talking!"  Eddy climbed back into his limo and snapped his fingers.  "Home, James!"


	4. It's a Jolly 'oliday

"Hair gel."  Eddy waited.

Ed applied a dollop of gel to Eddy's head and smeared it around.  "'air gel, governor!"  He laughed.  "Good English accent, huh Eddy!"

"You're as English as processed cheese, Ed."

"Why, thank you!"  Ed beamed with delight.

"Whatever, Ed."  Eddy rolled his eyes.  "Comb."  He watched in the mirror as Ed pulled a comb out of the bag and neatly brushed back his own hair.

"Comb!"  Ed patted down a stray hair.

"Ed, you're supposed to comb my hair, not yours!"

"Oops – I mean, roit!"  Ed licked the comb for luck and then ran it through Eddy's hair.  "Comb!"

Wiping the slobber off his head, Eddy called out for the finishing touch.  "Jacket!"

Ed shook the navy blue sports jacket out like a matador's cape.  "Ole!"  He slipped it on over Eddy's waiting arms.  "Jacket!"

Eddy admired himself in the mirror as he made last-minute adjustments.  "Who's that good lookin' guy?"  He winked at himself.  "You, my friend, are the _man_!"  His primping complete, he headed towards the stairs.  "Come on, Ed, let's go see how Double-D's doing."

"Call me Jeeves, Eddy!  Butler friend to one and all!"

"Shut up, Ed."  Eddy sauntered downstairs.  He stopped just short of the bottom landing.  "Wow."

"W-w-o-o-ow w-w-what, E-d-d-d-d-y?"  Sliding down the stairs on his butt, Ed collided with Eddy at the foot of the stairs.  He looked around.  "Marmite!"

The place before them was barely recognizable as Eddy's living room.  Tables had been strategically rearranged and covered to look like elegant serving stations, the couch was wrapped in plush burgundy velvet, and the aquarium had somehow been made over into a softly burbling fountain.  Harp music played in the background, though no harp was to be seen.  Even the air seemed richer, scented with an exotic aroma that almost, but not quite, masked the lemony vapor of cleaning solutions.

Edd was humming to himself as he dusted a mocked-up Tiffany lamp.  "So what do you think, fellas?"  Despite an afternoon of intensive work, his mood seemed much improved.  "Quite an impressive transformation, if I do say so myself!"  He turned to wield his feather duster against an unsuspecting vase.

Eddy knocked Ed off his back and stood up.  "Impressive, yes!"  He watched a pair of white origami doves flit around a chandelier made from his mom's good wine glasses.  "I've gotta admit, nobody can spruce up a room like you, Double-D!"

"I'd hardly call this miraculous renovation a simple 'sprucing up,' Eddy!  Why, I went through seven garbage bags simply clearing out the debris from between your couch cushions alone!  And don't get me started on the waxy buildup beneath that coffee table!"

"Ah, you were cleaning, too."  Eddy snickered.  "That explains the sudden attitude adjustment…"

Edd stiffened and opened his mouth, but quickly shut it again.  He smiled wanly.  "I've been wanting to do something about those dust mite-ridden curtains of yours for ages, Eddy."

"Well, I'm real glad you're happy, Double-D."  Eddy patronizingly patted him on the back.  "And how about those presents, huh?  Did you find substitutes for your stuff like you promised?"

"Affirmative, Eddy!"  Edd produced the briefcase and patted it.  "And I'm sure your guests will find them to be well worth the price of a few jawbreakers."

"Jawwwbreakers…"  Eddy's eyes glazed over.  Edd reached out with his feather duster to wipe away a thin stream of drool before it dripped onto Eddy's clothes.  "You're singin' my song, Double-D!  So let's see those one-of-a-kind presents!"  He made a grab for the briefcase, but Edd pulled it back out of reach.

"Oh, you were wanting to see them?"  He held the briefcase behind his back.  "I-I'm sorry, Eddy, I wish you'd told me sooner.  I've already wrapped them and would hate to let all that work go to waste so soon before your guests arrive…"

Eddy ground his teeth.  "Fine, whatever, they'll just have to do."  He poked Edd in the chest.  "But they'd better be good, Sock-head!  If everyone ends up mad at us because you gave them geometry books or spiders under glass, I'll feed ya to Ed!"

"My mom says not to bite my friends anymore, Eddy!"

Edd held up a placating hand.  "I assure you, Eddy, our guests will not be disappointed!"

"Yeah, well, they'd better not be…"  At that moment, the doorbell rang.  "Okay, this is it!  Make me proud, boys!"

"Chim-chiminee!"  Ed raced to answer the door.  Pulling up at the last moment, he assumed what he thought was a dignified posture, licked the hair gel off his fingers, then slid open the door.  "Welcome to Castle Eddy!"

"You mean the Dork Palace?"

"Kevin!  You promised you'd be nice!"  Nazz put her hands on her hips.

"Sorry, Nazz, I just couldn't…"  Kevin caught sight of his surroundings.  "Whoa."

Nazz stared into the room.  "Wow, Eddy!  I like what you've done with the place!"

"An-an-and I really dress that like you're nazzing, Wear!"  Eddy shook and stammered.  "I-I-I…"

Edd stepped in front of him.  "Uh, w-what Eddy means is, that dress makes you look even more exquisite than ever, Nazz!"  Edd managed a shaky smile and tried hard to make eye contact.

Nazz giggled.  "Gee, thanks, dude."  She raised an eyebrow.  "Your dress is – uh – nice, too…"

Edd froze in horror.  A swift glance down confirmed his worst fears.  Eddy had insisted he put on the frilly black dress to really look the part of the maid, and Edd had donned it over his regular clothes knowing he'd have no peace until he did.  He'd meant to take it off before anyone actually saw him in it but had forgotten in all the last-minute business about the presents.

"Eep…"  His brain and mouth no longer seemed to be working in conjunction with one another.  "Opp…" he started again to no avail.  "Ork…"  He tried to duck back behind the sofa but his body refused to obey.  Finally, overcome with embarrassment, his eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed on the floor.

Kevin snorted with laughter.  "Man, that alone was almost worth the jawbreaker!"

"'Jawbreaker'?"  Eddy snapped out of his Nazz-induced stupor.  "Jawbreaker!"  He rubbed his hands together greedily.  "Hand 'em over to Ed – er, Jeeves," rolling his eyes, he corrected himself before Ed could speak up, "and come on in!"

"Here you go, uh, 'Jeeves'!"  Still giggling, Nazz passed a jawbreaker to Ed, carefully stepped over Edd, and made her way towards the couch.  Kevin followed, just as carefully making sure to stomp on Edd.

"Cheers my dears!"  Sneaking a look over at Eddy, Ed shoved both jawbreakers in his mouth and slurped happily.  As Eddy turned back towards him he quickly stuck his tongue out and let them roll down it to their designated table.

The doorbell rang again.  Ed rushed back to take his place in front of the door.  "Shall I let them in, Sir Eddy?"

"What?"  Interrupted as he was fractionally scooting closer to Nazz on the couch, Eddy scowled.  "Forget it, Ed, we don't need – "

Kevin leapt onto the couch next to Nazz and knocked Eddy off with a kick.  The doorbell rang a second and a third time.  "Get the door, dorks, your guests are waiting!"

"Rightee-o, Kevin!"  Ed opened the door and let in Rolf, Sarah, and Jimmy.

"Great Nano on a bicycle!  Rolf has never before seen such richness of decoration!  He feels woefully underdressed in his Weeding Day finery!"

Sarah stared around, begrudgingly impressed.  "Gee, Eddy, I never knew your place was this fancy!"

"It's like a life-sized Suzy Shopper Dreamhouse, Sarah!"  Jimmy hopped in place.  "My fantasies come true!"

"A-hem."  Eddy cast a significant look towards the jawbreaker table and tapped his foot.

"Yes, yes, we have all brought the senselessly sweet price of admission, Rhubarb-to-Riches Ed-boy!"  Rolf, Sarah, and Jimmy all dropped off a jawbreaker before stepping further into the room.

"Wow, Plank!"  Jonny stood at the doorstep, which Ed had forgotten to close.  "See, I told you the tuxes were a good idea!"  He and Plank were dressed in identical pink tuxedos, though Plank lacked a pair of the weather-beaten sandals Jonny still had on.  Absently flipping two jawbreakers towards the pile, he joined the others in gawking around the room.  "Nice pad, Eddy!"

"Yeah, it's pretty sweet, living the life of luxury and all."  Eddy leaned back in an elegant chair somehow fashioned out of hockey sticks and duct tape.  "Maybe if you work real hard, you too can one day know the joys of, uh, richitude!"

"'Richitude,' Eddy?"  Snapped back into consciousness by Eddy's atrocious vocabulary, Edd wrapped the front door throw rug around his shoulders and stood up.

"What?  It's a word!"  Eddy flicked an irritated glance at his friend before turning to address his audience once more.  He had to talk loudly to be heard over Edd's rant about declining standards of verbal communication.  "Anyway – I thought (" – and the way you butcher the English language – ") maybe you'd all like to hear me say a few words (" – you could've said 'wealth,' or 'affluence,' or 'prosperity,' but no – ") about my views on the best ways of making money (" – why, I've heard better sentence structure from – "), seeing as how I _am_ a millionaire and – "

Edd and Eddy were both interrupted when Ed burst in from the kitchen with a heavily laden silver platter.  "Tea time!!"  He placed the tray down and lifted the lid with a flourish.  A horrified silence descended.

Edd put a hand to his mouth.  "It's a nightmare of culinary proportions…"

Jimmy looked dizzy.  "It's enough to make Julia Child weep…"

Lurking beneath the platter's lid were offerings made from the best of English food and Ed's cooking combined.  Ed lifted up a sandwich that appeared to be made of buttered toast and french fries between two slices of bread.  "Mmm, a chip and buttered toast butty!  And gravied eel pie!"  He scooped up a raisin-pocked, ketchup-drenched blob.  "Who wants some spotted Ed?"

"I think I'm going to be sick…"  Edd held his stomach and turned a pale shade of green.  Eddy's guests seemed to concur.  Several had started towards the door when Kevin spoke up.

"Hold on, aren't you dorks forgetting something?"  He held out his hand impatiently.  "Gimme my present and I'm gone."

Sarah and Jimmy perked up at the mention of presents.  They hopped up and down, squealing "Presents, presents, presents!"

"Okay, fine, you don't wanna hear me talk?  Your loss!"  Eddy waved a hand towards Edd.  "Hey, _maid_, go fetch the loot, will ya?"  He muttered under his breath, "And it had better be good!"

Edd actually grinned.  "I've got it right here, Eddy!"  He found a table on the opposite end of the room and opened the briefcase.  The kids crowded around, and for a moment, nobody spoke.  

Then the room erupted in hysterical laughter.


	5. The Root of All Evil

Eddy's guests jostled to get a better view, hooting and pointing the whole time.

"What's so funny?"  Eddy stomped over but was unable to see over the backs of the crowd.  "Lemme see!"  He tried to crawl between everyone's legs, but they were too closely packed for him to make much progress.  Growling, he turned around and beckoned to Ed.

"Upsie-daisy, lazy Maisy!"  Ed bent down and then stood up again with Eddy perched atop his head.

From this vantage point, Eddy was able to see over everyone.  He looked down into the briefcase.  It was completely empty, but taped to the inside lid was a blown-up photograph.  Eddy nearly fell off Ed's head when he finally made out what it was.

Grinning goofily back at him, mouth covered in what appeared to be strained beets, was a much younger Eddy.  Baby Eddy was curled up on a blanket in nothing but a diaper, clutching at a teddy bear in one hand and a bottle in the other.  The most disturbing thing was the strong resemblance he still bore to the toddler in the picture – his less than generous height, his slightly pudgy physique, his marked lack of hair, and his faintly ruddy complexion were all reflected back perfectly in this drooling abomination.  It would be easy for an antagonistically inclined mind to assume the photo had not been taken all that long ago. 

The laughter was like a tidal wave threatening to drag him under.  Losing his grip, he toppled forward, but Ed managed to catch him before he hit the ground.  This only increased the hysterics as he now lay cradled in Ed's arms.

"Aww, did widdle Dorky fa' down go boom?"  Kevin pinched one of his cheeks.

"Maybe he needs his diapie changed!"  Sarah and Jimmy both patted his head.

Eddy stared wildly around at a sea of faces all laughing at him.  Overcome, the world started to fade to black, but then he saw…Edd.  Somehow looking both crushed with guilt and apprehensively vindicated at the same time, Edd was standing behind the briefcase, wringing his hands as he watched the action he'd put into play.

"YOU!"  Eddy squirmed out of Ed's arms and lunged towards Edd.  "Say goodnight, Double-_Dead_!"

Edd's eyes went wide but he managed to stand his ground.  "Stop right there!"  He held up a large envelope.  As the kids continued laughing, he dropped his voice so only Eddy could hear.  "Don't you touch me, or I'll be forced to release _this_ into the public domain as well, Eddy!"  He looked fretful and guilty as he added, "Or should I say, _Dr. Frank-n-furter_?"

Eddy recoiled, aghast.  He looked around anxiously, but no one seemed to have heard.  He thought back to the day the photo in question had been taken, several years ago now.  His brother and his friends had been going to a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Eddy, ever the tagalong, had begged to go with them.  His brother relented, on one condition: they were all going in costume and still needed someone to play the part of the movie's main character.  It _was_ his brother – his hero – after all, and so Eddy reluctantly found himself out in public in fishnet stockings, an ill-fitting bustier, flamboyant makeup and curly wig.  It was humiliating enough at the time, even worse when his brother decided to send copies of the photos he'd taken to Eddy's two best friends, but now…  "You _wouldn't_!"

"I-I don't want to, but I will if I must, Eddy!"  Edd sounded almost apologetic, but he continued to clutch the envelope tightly.

Eddy flexed his fingers in impotent rage.  "Put down the picture, Double-D, and maybe I won't _kill_ you!"  The wheels turned rapidly in his head as he tried to come up with a suitable revenge.  Suddenly, a malicious grin spread across his face.  Approaching slowly, hands upraised in a peaceful gesture, he patted Edd on the back.  Talking loudly so that everyone could hear, he said, "Hey, no hard feelings, Double-D – that was a good one, really funny.  I guess we've all still got a bit of a child in us, don't we?"  Even more loudly, he added, "How's that little thumb sucking problem coming along, anyway?"

"Double-Dweeb still sucks his thumb?"  Kevin laughed even harder.

"'Course he does, Kev, how do you think he ended up with that huge _gap _between his teeth?"  Eddy sneered at Edd.

The picture slid from Edd's nerveless fingers as he looked wildly around the room.  "Why, that's not true, I-I…"  Edd's left hand came up slightly before he forced it firmly down to his side.  He shot Eddy a furious look.  "Eddy wears lifts in his shoes!"

Eddy gasped along with the crowd.  "I do not!"

"Oh?  You're not really two inches shorter than you appear to be?  Care to show us, Eddy?"  Edd smiled archly.

"Er…Double-D's got a spider named after Mildred Sotmeyer!"

"The _school librarian_??"  More guffaws.

"Those little round scars on Eddy's head are from the time a _pet canary_ attack sent him to the hospital!

"Double-D won't go near a computer ever since one beat him at chess!"

"Eddy's joined the Hair Club for Men!!"

"That's IT!"  Eddy sprang at Edd.

Ed stood off to the side, dejectedly watching his two friends fight.  Suddenly a vacuous smile spread across his face.  "My middle name is Fergus!" he yelled, and with that he leapt into the fray.

Several minutes later Ed had a grip on one of Eddy's legs, but Eddy had Edd pinned facedown on the ground.  "Enough with the small stuff," Eddy growled as he grabbed hold of Edd's hat.  "Now we're gonna talk _real_ secrets!"

"Eddy, no, please!"  Edd struggled desperately.  "I-I apologize!  Think what you're doing – this has gone far enough!"

"You shoulda thought of that before you pulled that little photo stunt, oh-soon-to-be Sockless-head!"  Still glaring down at Edd, he called up to the other kids.  "Now, you _know _you wanna see what's under here – but it's gonna cost ya!  Do I hear one dollar?  One?  Anyone?"  Finally looking up, he let go of Edd in disappointment.  "They've all left…"

"That's the best news I've heard all day."  Edd pulled his hat down tightly.  "Really, Eddy – I can't believe you were willing to betray my most sacrosanct of secrets, and for a mere dollar at that!"

Eddy rolled his eyes.  "Relax, I wasn't really gonna do it…"  Under his breath, he added, "For less than five bucks, anyway…"  He tried to stand up but couldn't.  "Ed, you can let go of me now."

"You're the piano man, Eddy!"  Ed dropped Eddy's leg.  "Aw, don't be mad, Eddy, you were such a cute little dickens!"  He wandered back over to examine the baby photo again.  "All chubby and cuddly, like soggy donuts!"  He looked around.  "Um, guys?"

"What is it now, Ed?"  Eddy got back to his feet and dusted himself off.

"I think Baby Eddy has run off!"  Ed laughed.  "What a little scamp!"

"W-what?"  Standing up unsteadily, Edd joined Ed over by the table.  The briefcase was still there, but the picture that had been taped inside its lid was nowhere to be seen.  Neither, he realized with a shock, was the envelope containing the other photo.

"What's he talking about, Sock-head?"  Eddy was picking up items that had fallen out of his pockets during the fight.  "The picture's still there, right?"

"What?  Nothing!  I-I mean, yes Eddy!"  Eyes ringed, Edd snapped shut the lid of the briefcase and held it behind his back.  "Of course they're still here!  _It's _still here!  Heh-heh, why wouldn't it be?"  A thought came to him and he turned towards the jawbreaker table, eyes screwed tightly shut.  "Please, oh please…"  A peek through one eye was enough to show him what he'd feared.  Not one jawbreaker remained.

Ed followed his gaze and gasped.  "Wow, Eddy, Baby Eddy's just like you!  He ran off and took our jawbreakers with him!"

"All right, what's going – MY JAWBREAKERS!"  For a long moment, Eddy simply stood and twitched.  Then he turned ominously back towards Edd.  Talking through clenched teeth, he grated, "And just _where_ are my pictures?"  As Edd flinched away, he continued to advance until he'd backed him up against a wall.  "Let me guess.  The jawbreakers, and both pictures, have all been taken by the other kids, haven't they?  I can look forward to copies of those photos following me around for the rest of my life, can't I?"  He locked one hand around Edd's neck and cast about for something heavy with his other.  "And I have YOU to thank for all this, _don't I_?!?"

Edd struggled uselessly.  "I-I never intended…uh, perhaps we could…"  He cringed as Eddy picked up an imitation Ming vase.  "Eddy, please, release me and we'll determine a solution to this predicament!"

"Oh, I've figured out _my_ solution."  Eddy raised the vase.  "Oh, Ed?  What would you say to another star show, Big Guy?"

"Stick a feather in my cap and call it mashed potatoes!"  Ed bounced over just as a loud crash filled the room.

*****

Ed and Edd sat on the front porch step, deep in thought.  Eddy paced back and forth in front of them.  "No, no, no!  We've tried all those places already, and none of them have turned up my photos!  Now come on – and think of something good this time!"

"Hmm…"  Edd shrugged.  "Well – ouch!  Ed, please stop that!"

Ed paused just as he was about to poke Edd's head with a stick yet again.  "Sorry, Double-D – but please can I see the bump?  Are you sure it isn't a mutant duck lurking just beneath your skin, ready to burst forth and destroy us all with its hideous duck breath?"

Edd rubbed at the lump protruding slightly out from beneath his hat.  "I assure you, Ed, you'll be the first to know if that happens…But as I was saying – " Edd continued as Ed beamed happily, "Rolf has a lot of potential hiding places on his farm, perhaps we should canvass it more thoroughly?"

"Yeah Eddy, maybe it is in a pig's eye!"  Ed looked concerned.  "I hope that doesn't hurt."

"Yeah, right."  Eddy rolled his eyes.  "The only place we haven't looked on that farm already is up a pig's – "

"Um – you're right, Eddy, I'm sure it's not on Rolf's farm."  Edd rushed on before Eddy could suggest ways of searching that particular area.  "But what about the park?  The hollow tubes of the swingset frame could easily conceal any number of items…"

"I already tried there while you and Ed were checking out Kevin's bike."  Eddy glared at Edd.  "This is all your fault, Sock-head – you'd just better hope we find that picture before it starts getting around!'

"I don't suppose this is the time to point out that none of this would have occurred if you hadn't been exploiting me so thoughtlessly all day – why, the embarrassment and frustration you're currently experiencing is merely a fraction of what you regularly inflict…"  He tried to disappear into the concrete step as Eddy leaned in over him.  "…No, no, you're probably right, this really isn't the time…"

Ed scratched his head.  "It's too bad Sherlock Holmes isn't here, guys!  'e could solve this mystery before you could say 'Bob's your uncle'!"  He looked thoughtful.  "I wonder if Uncle Bob knows Mother Goose?"

Despite his predicament, an excited gleam lit Eddy's eyes.  "Hey, a detective agency!  That's it!  We'll use this case to sharpen our skills, then hire ourselves out to the other kids to help them find stuff _they're_ missing!  Great idea, Ed!"

"I smell onions, Eddy!"

"Um, Eddy?" Edd ventured.  "Doesn't that idea sound somewhat familiar to you?  Almost as if we'd already tried it?"  He paused hopefully.

"Gee, I dunno, does _this_ sound familiar to _you_?"  Eddy shoved Edd off the steps, then leaned over the edge to continue yelling.  "'Shut up, Sock-head, and get to work!'  I'm gonna need a lie detector, some clue analyzers, and…uh…all sorts of other detective gear!"  He began running towards the garage.  "Come on, boys, we've got photos to find and kids to scam!"

"Can I be Sherlock, Eddy?  Please?  Please?  Oh, can I?"  Ed ran after Eddy. "I love buttered scones!"

"I should've just handed out that other photo when I had the chance."  Edd carefully picked himself up and brushed off his clothes.  "Well, at least I won't have to build anything more from scratch today, I suppose…"  Sighing, he hurried to catch up with his friends.


End file.
